Ashutosh Nilkanth's Blog

I’m a vagabond. I’m a wanderer. Whenever I have set out on a journey, a journey of life or state, its been a crucial one, one that involved travel across geography as well as transcending from one phase of life to the other. Always had a surge to fullfill the desire of taking that journey for the cause best known to me and yet unknown to me. Yet, no one journey ceased. Everytime I laid my tent of satisfaction on the nomadic grounds, I gradually moved on to another journey to another land of belief. So I followed the path across dilemma’s. Landscape’s, nature’s bliss, sweat, bruise’s, blisters, breathless, freezing, walking, sailing, flying, faces. As I got tired, I rested under the tree of dreams. But I woke up to a bright day and resumed my walk. The sight and the words lost their value in the journey. The destination didn’t matter anymore, but the journey itself did. For when I’ll walk, I know I’ll reach, but I must discover.

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I’ve been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you’re gonna let me in
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don’t we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don’t we go
Somewhere only we know?

Somewhere only we know. Until we rest.

There is a concept in the Kabbalah, described in the Zohar, that “that which is below is above, and that which is above is below.” That is to say: in order to influence something on the worldly, physical level, you must first change on the spiritual level.

From what little I’ve seen and experienced, we fear the fall of the mind. We do not fear the fall of the body. An infusion of the mind and the body, of the spiritual state and the physical state.

We are hesitant, doubtful and contemplative in every decision, to let go of our belief, our idelogy, our mind. But when asked to confide in someone, someone we love & trust, and lean on them from the top of the wall for they’ll catch us and we won’t fall, we let go … we fall … without a repercussion …

Mind is the real self, because that’s really what we wish to protect. Maybe its not about the ego after all, its the self-esteem we wish to embark. Ego is our consciousness of our own identity but self-esteem is the care for oneself. What is more important: satisfying one thousand desires or conquering just one …

It takes courage to know and accept that our sense of individuality is a false manifestation of our ego. We are merely conduits of creativity that originate somewhere in the universe.

Whenever I fell deeply in love (with myself, or a relationship), I lived the moment completely. That’s what I realized it was all about. I felt a surge of courage I had not felt before. With that courage came such incredible fullfilment of that moment, that I did not fear the next. Death too, at that time became acceptable. My ‘cup of love’ as they say, would be full.

Quite recently, someone asked me how do I feel? And I looked at my wrist watch and said “my calling is timeless .. here … feel it!”

“When it was evening, he took his place at the table with the twelve”
~Matthew 26:20

How much of a difference can art make to history? Whether its the canvas or LEGO bricks, the imaginative capabilities of a human mind can draw abstract assumptions from what’s visible or invisible to the eye. We build our belief around a boundary which makes us feel safe. What we can’t explain draws a sense of insecurity and fear in us.

There’s history and there’s imagination. Imagination doesn’t work like history. And history doesn’t work like imagination. A secret embedded in either one doesn’t really alter the other.

A deductive leap or an assumptive step? This holistic viewpoint derives from the three hours I spent in a cinema hall last Saturday watching one of the most controversial movies of this time – “The Da Vinci Code“.

“The Da Vinci Code” is a spectacular piece of story telling. An excellent mind-bending film made on the best selling novel of the same title. I haven’t read the novel but ironically it’s the best-selling book in the history after the Bible. Rather than giving a detailed relational perspective on theology, history and the basis of Christian belief, I would merely ploy with a question that my good friend asked me that evening after we left the theatre. He asked “You are a Christian. Has the film affected your faith?” I thought about it for a while, and affirmed with a “No”. We went to a pub nearby, relaxed with a bottle of beer, played a game of pool, and discussed about the various cinematic affluence’s of the film. It surely had an impact, if not on my faith, on my mind.

The next morning I woke up contemplating. So I went on an Internet expedition with my morning tea to unravel a more rational (if there’s anything called “more rational”) perspective on the concept. I spent almost an hour reading on a host of issues and the so-called “secret” behind the conceptual storyline, which was the crux of the matter in the film. I came across a series of articles and e-papers referring to this one particular documentary made in 2005 (unleashing the novel much before the movie came out) which takes a more investigative stand on the whole argument. After much looking around and a second cup of tea, I finally found this documentary titled “The Real Da Vinci Code” over at Google Videos. It was first broadcasted in UK on Channel 4 in February 2005. I spent the next 1 hour 42 minutes watching this documentary and demystifying the subject. It examines the historical plot around the Holy Grail, the Priory of Sion, Mary Magdalene and the Holy Blood(line). I would personally recommend watching this documentary as much as I would recommend watching the movie itself.

Coming back to the movie, a quick review: I felt Tom Hanks underplayed his role. Audrey Tautou looks beautiful and carry’s her baggage well. The indoor architecture of some of the Church’s just awed me. The pace of the movie kept me glued although I felt that it dragged a bit during the second half. The composition had drops of anti-feminism. Loved the last bit of conversation between Hanks and Audrey. Well directed overall.

I wonder now how much engrossing the movie is as a work of fiction (because the facts lack a backdrop). How would this have affected the controversy surrounding the novel and the film, IF say the female lead was of an Afro-French race? Religion binds us where colour separates us, and during this generation’s old journey religion is protracted as a way of social ruling. I’m not religious. I’d rather be spiritual because I’m a liberated soul in this universe only searching my way back home to my Creator. Hanks stated at the Cannes Film Festival that he and his wife saw no contradiction between their faith and the film, as “My heritage, and that of my wife, suggests that our sins have been taken away, not our brains.”

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said “The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sound of silence

What really matters is what you believe.

Throw it [glass of water] on the mirror.

(Splash on the mirror, and rain pouring out the window)

This is what she sees now.

- A distorted image of herself.

Who are you in all this?

- I’m the mirror.
- If I’m the mirror and she’s the image … then who are you?

I can see both of you … so I’m “God”.

Always remember, the ability to repress … is actually a vital survival tool.

The image reflected in a mirror can be seen but cannot be touched. While we look in the mirror, do we think that this side of the mirror is physical space and that the other side of the mirror is the mental space?

There’s always a distance of one Ã¥ngström (one ten-billionth of a meter) between any two atomic entities. Be it our body mass on a chair but floating in a narrow space of thin air, Or touching a face with our finger tips and still not being able to feel it, Or praying with the rosary beads in the hand and yet not being anywhere near to the unknown. Such is the universe. Always a distance of one Ã¥ngström, keeping us away from opening the door to self awareness.

Self doubt is the mind trying to supress the irrepresibility of the spirit.

Trying to liberate my spirit trapped between that one ångström, now whether its born out of impulse or cognition is yet to be rocked in the cradle of growth.